April 2010
Jonah ~ 6yrs Alexis ~ 10mths Logan ~ 3 1/2yrs
Jonah ~ 6yrs Alexis ~ 10mths Logan ~ 3 1/2yrs
I am so not blogging well these days! I have so many thoughts but they just whirl around in my head. My baby girl is 10 1/2 months now and I can't believe her 1st birthday party will be in a month. I Love how much she's grown but as much as I am trying to enjoy my life as blessed as it is I struggle every day with everything. The fact that I am not FREE, truly free from earthly powers that be who are holding control over my life. They do not deserve this power over me but it's there. I am struggling presently with the fact that I have dreams and goals for my future but everything is on hold until this is dealt with. In the near future (6 months from now) if the outcome is what we are praying to not happen, then all those goals and dreams will never be able to come true.. EVER! Currently I am not working, which I wouldn't be right now anyway, I was not going to be running my day home and would be off with no pay for a little bit was our plan (I do Keith's books and such and am paid through the business but it is not extra income from what Keith makes, just part of it). If this wasn't hanging over me/us right now I would be finishing my doula certification. That is one of the first things I want to do when this is over but because of the nature of my situation if it ends negatively I will not be able to pursue that ever or my next goal of schooling and becoming a Midwife. So granted I am scared to big crapola that I do not know what I would do to support my family, when being at home is not as necessary as they get older. I am also very angry at the fact that they could take my dreams and goals from me, it's not like these are new goals, they have been a part of me since I was a little girl, I didn't know about doulas then but always wanted to be a Midwife when I grew up. But people tell me to get over it and dreams get taken away and I could die tomorrow in a car crash, but a little sensitivity to what I am going through would be nice because most people do not even pretend to notice I am living through a major trial in my life right now, so if I could be cut some slack and treat me a little nicer than you may normally would be icing on the cake, or a least a crumb of the cake.
I know my posts are few and far between and they can be a little venty but I feel very alone and this is my place, please do not judge me for what I am trying to deal with. So far my family is still in tact and you may say well why wouldn't it be fine, it was fine before? It's not anything with your marriage or family, but maybe you have never been able to personally experience a major hardship to see & know how it can very much effect other areas it's not directly attacking.
I know my posts are few and far between and they can be a little venty but I feel very alone and this is my place, please do not judge me for what I am trying to deal with. So far my family is still in tact and you may say well why wouldn't it be fine, it was fine before? It's not anything with your marriage or family, but maybe you have never been able to personally experience a major hardship to see & know how it can very much effect other areas it's not directly attacking.
Easter morning, getting ready to hunt :)
Handsome Logan Jeffrey Michael Perry
Gorgeous Alexis Rose Perry
Jonah & Alexis sharing a tub together(Jonah looks Gollum like, we do feed him, it seems he never stops eating during the day!)
4 comments:
NEVER apologize for venting your feelings or for what you have to deal with. If people react negatively, maybe they aren't the right people to have in your life. I know what you are going through is unimaginable, I pray for you everyday. This is your place to vent your feelings, it's what helps you deal and get through. Take care.
Thanks Desiree, for your comment and your prayers and for reading my lengthy venty post! I wish I didn't feel crappy a lot of the time and could just post all the wonderful things in my life but this is my life right now, it sucks even when it is great all at the same time, but I am going to make it to the other side, the all good side...one day!
Logan looks so grown up in these pictures!
Don't feel bad about venting. I did the same thing when Kassidy was going through her hip thing. I know it's on a completely different scale of things, but I also know how much it helps to blog your feelings. I am praying for you, Bethany.
I completely understand how this sort of thing affects the other areas in your life. There is a whole new stress level for everyone involved and that increases your sensitivity and doubts. Remember that this too shall pass. God is working in your family's life even when you're not looking. Thanks for being so vulnerable to us and for sharing your thoughts. No need to call it venting because your thoughts and feelings are REAL and should certainly be voiced.
Hugs!
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